Timothy Kline: Thoughts and Reflections

Making tough decisions

In my previous entry, I touched on the subject of Choice, and how we as parents must allow our adult children to have their right of choice, but also to allow them to experience the consequences of their choices.

Since having written that, there have been some new developments that have led me to write this as a follow-up to that earlier entry.

As some of you may already be aware, I had the privilege of re-establishing contact with two of the daughters that I had been forced to allow to go to adoption some 19 years ago. Unfortunately, it has not gone well at all, and that is the motivation behind this particular entry as well.

People on both sides of the issue will argue whether a relationship that was interrupted by nearly two decades of connection and communication during the formative years of a child’s life can be rebuilt after the fact, or whether it must be redefined within the context of adulthood.

For me, I never ceased to feel and think within the bounds of fatherhood—but that was especially due to the fact that I was an adult and fully cognitive of my responsibilities, whereas the children involved had vague memories and an underlying sense of connection.

Yet when you factor in nearly two decades of time and space, and then bring those elements back together, you are left dealing with what the mind and heart remember, and what has developed in the interim. The children are no longer children: they are thinking, reasoning adults who have by then already started and been on a path that perhaps they might not have been, had the biological parent been there to coach them and teach them. The children by then have adopted the family values of the family that they have been adopted into, while at the same time having a certain amount of genetic predisposition towards certain decision-making skills and leanings of their biological parents. (And at this point, I am reasonably convinced that I would not have been able to make a difference for them had I raised them, because their issues, lying, and life choices are evidently hereditary and genetic and strongly from their mother’s lineage; as I have not yet met my third daughter, I do not know if she carries her biological mother’s tendencies, or mine. Still: that the two older girls developed to the point where they act and make the same life choices as their biological mother did—in the absence of their biological mother—is fascinating from a psychological point-of-view!)

I didn’t really become aware of this until after I met my biological daughters recently, after the nearly two-decade interim. My memories of them as innocent, beautiful children were just that: memories. The reality that I had to come to see, unfortunately, was far different.

While they are even more beautiful and precious than when I had last seen them those 19 years ago, they have exhibited characteristics that shattered my hopes and memories where they are concerned.

I think this past week, something in me finally said that enough was enough, and I realized that it was for the best that I step back from the situation and allow them to have their choices which they made it clear they want—especially since no amount of counsel and advice from me has been able to reach their hearts and I already know from personal experience where their paths will lead them as long as they remain on that path. And while my door is still open to them when and if they decide not to continue down the path of self-destruction, I can no longer continue walking alongside them down that path—or I risk everything I have worked so hard for in their absence.

I think, too, that the catalyst for deciding to step aside for them, was the incessant lies and back-biting. Having never been caught up in what some might term pathological lying, I guess I can’t wrap my head around the reasoning behind it. All I know is that it has led to constant edginess, worry, frustration and disappointment for me.

It is utterly heart-wrenching when you have a daughter, whom you haven’t seen since she was two years old, sitting across from you at a table, whom you want nothing less than to help her with anything—and she tells you what she knows you want to hear while in her heart she has other plans. And, of course, there have been many other things besides that which influenced my decision to withdraw and let her live her life—but I can’t decide whether I blame her for the lack of appreciation when something is offered for her betterment and she accepts it, but chooses to do her own thing and make decisions counter to her own betterment, essentially thumbing her nose at me; or, if I blame me for thinking that she would appreciate what it was that I was trying to do for her, to help her into a better life. She is the sum of her life at this point, and therefore is who she is and will remain so until she decides to make herself over into something else. I, on the other hand, could see the potential within her and was acting in accordance with that. If I were to continue in the situation, I would be continuing in the frustration that she and I have two very different ideas about who she is, and it is her right to have the final say and live how she wants to live.

I could go on at length covering the numerous other things going on with that daughter that are problematic—but the fact is that they are only problematic for me, not for her—otherwise, she would not be engaging in those things or situations. I want more for her and her life than she wants at the present time. So, I have to let her be the person she wants to be, and live the life she wants.

In the matter of my other daughter, it is very similar. Fatherly advice and counsel has fallen on deaf ears, assistance given has been shown to be unappreciated and held in disdain. And things that I had been told under the assumption that they were true have turned out to be quite the opposite, much to my dismay.

To say the least, there has been no sincere demonstration of apology from either of them: they are absolutely convinced that they have done and are doing nothing wrong. Which is perfectly fine: for them. Yet I know how it affects me, too. And personally, I do have a problem when I realize that I have been lied to, or at least deceived. Personally, I do have a problem seeing things that I provided them then be given away instead of being returned to the giver, or at least offered back. I do have a problem with finding that out and then having someone have the nerve to ask me if I can give them something else. I do have a problem with someone saying to my face that they are not going to allow themselves to be in another relationship until they finish their schooling and get their life together—and then do the exact opposite after I help them with things they “needed.” I do have a problem with someone blaming their boyfriend for the rent not being paid (they supposedly had given the rent money to their boyfriend, who then didn’t pay it to the landlord), and then they get evicted for nonpayment of rent and they run off with their boyfriend after signing away their rights to their children mere weeks before the court system was returning them. I do have a problem with a daughter who can’t stay away from other men and put her children first, even for a mere six months while her divorce is finalized. And really, the same could be said of my other daughter, who herself is married yet saw no problem with moving in and having a baby with another man. And yes, I do have a problem with being lied to, being used, being emotionally manipulated—not to mention being made to feel guilty when I don’t want to have anything to do with these types of people any further.

I do not hold these values in my life, and I do not tolerate them from other people. And to make an exception merely on the basis that these women are my biological daughters is simply not enough for me, because the tie that we had, the bond, is strictly biological at this point: I do not recognize either of these women beyond the physical semblances they bear to their mother’s side. Everything else is unfamiliar. The characteristics that they did inherit from me are evidently not strong enough at this point to override the rest. Maybe, in time, things will be different with them—I can’t see that far ahead, and I can’t stay a part of the daily drama, lying, and issues until that day comes. Or rather, I choose not to.

I’m not saying that my own life is perfect. I’m not saying that every choice I have made or currently make or will make will be right. But what I am saying is that I see no point in watching them ruin their lives or standing beside while they do. I am not God. If they want to live the lives they want to live, I must allow them to do so. And they need to allow me to let them, by my stepping aside—because really, there is no room for me in their life anyhow. Not at the present time.

Should they ever come to realize what it was that I wanted for them, and truly appreciate what I was trying to do for them, and they should ever come to want it even more than I want it for them, I will be here.

But not forever.

In the meantime, I can only wish them the best.

Where will the path you chose REALLY take you?

It is a fact of life that we all make choices because we CAN. It’s our RIGHT.

As parents, we try to teach our children not only how to make wise choices, but to help them to learn that there are consequences for the choices they make–and those consequences may be good or they may be bad. In time, the child reaches what is commonly known as the age of accountability, where the responsibility for their decisions ultimately falls upon their own decision-making skills and the parents can no longer shoulder the blame or burden.

Parents dread that day, and children often live in denial of it–wanting the freedom of Choice but not willing to accept the consequences of that freedom when a choice results in a bad situation. Nevertheless, the day invariably comes when our children must be allowed to experience the consequences of their decisions, for better or for worse, and we, as the parents, must allow them to.

Of course there is no question that we, as parents, want to swoop in and save the day, to protect our child when things go badly for them. This is natural. And in the beginning, it helps coax the child into maturity.

But allowed to continue, we can unintentionally deny our children their due right to experience Life under the guise of “protecting” them. They have the right to their own decisions, their own Choices. But they also have an obligation to own the results of those decisions–even if we disagree with the Choice made in this situation or that situation, and know that no good will come of it.

The situation becomes even more trying for us as parents when the advice and counsel we offer one of our children essentially falls on deaf ears: they nod and admit we are “right” while they are talking with us, but then go ahead and do their own thing when they’re away from us.

In some ways, this comes across as rebellion. Even betrayal. After all, why tell us that they know we’re “right” about our perception of a situation and our advice, and yet act completely counter to it?

And what do we, as parents, do when one of our children behaves in this way? In some cases, we maintain the relationship–and the child continues in their Choice, enjoying the freedom of being able to choose and yet believing that when things have reached their pinnacle and the time has come to pay the piper, that their doting parent will swoop in and rescue them or provide a way out for the bad situation the child has brought themselves in.

Now, I’m talking specifically about our ADULT children here–and not school-age children that haven’t reached the “legal” age of 17 or 18 years of age.

In the above-mentioned situation, where the parent decides to maintain the close familial tie, essentially enabling the adult child to persist in a course that the parent knows is self-destructive, disastrous, and, in some cases, morally and ethically wrong, the parent must assume responsibility for their part in the situation. They are failing to properly parent because they KNOW that what their adult child is doing is wrong and problematic, but they are using the excuse of parental “love” to deny the wrongness of their adult child’s course.

It says, in effect, that the adult child can continue in their course without really experiencing the consequences of their Choice–because the over-doting parent will help soften the harsh realities that result from unwise decisions, and be there for their wayward adult child when it comes time to “pay the piper.”

This is bad parenting because Life does not work this way.

Every day, each and every one of us makes a Choice, and things happen as a result of that Choice. Sometimes, those things that happen or beneficial–and sometimes they are downright tragic. But in order to become better in our decision-making skills, we MUST experience the full weight and burden of every Choice we make. It’s called being an adult–when we finally become responsible not only for ourselves, but the impact our Choice has on those closest to us, as well as Society at-large.

It becomes a testament to our Character when the Choices we make reflect our awareness that others close to us may be hurt, disappointed, or estranged through what we choose to do. Or, conversely: doesn’t reflect that awareness.

Unfortunately, some adult children reach a point where they could care less what anyone else thinks or feels about what the adult child chooses to do. They just want to do whatever it is that they want to do, and everyone else can just take a flying leap. The adult child’s self-indulgent attitude takes priority over everything else. Anyone that tries to reason with them is considered a “hater” or enemy or someone who “just doesn’t want them to be happy.”

In nearly every case, however, where the adult child insists that “everyone” else is just trying to keep the adult child from being “happy,” the reality is that the adult child is engaging in self-destructive behavior that will eventually result in disaster, and the adult child is in denial and defiance of the inevitable.

However, no amount of reasoning on the part of the frustrated parent will reach that adult child once they reach that level of rationalizing. In that situation, the parent’s best course of action is to step back and let things take their course–even though they already know where the particular path leads. The adult child MUST be allowed to experience disaster for themselves.

Even then, the adult child still may not admit that the Choices they are making are problematic. Instead, they will persist in the belief that everyone is against them, against their happiness. They will continue in the delusion that they are doing everything right, and honestly be confused why bad things continue to happen to them–when in reality those bad things are simply the consequences of the adult child’s Choices. They will be angry and resentful especially at those close to them when they need or want something, expecting it to be provided on the basis that they ARE family, after all–and do not get what they are asking for from family members or siblings.

Worse still, adult children caught up in the maelstrom of this course will habitually lie and resort to deception and half-truths in order to bolster the illusion they have built around themselves. Not intentionally, but because they have so thoroughly and effectively deluded themselves into believing that they are speaking absolute truth–even when the evidence contradicts it.

Too, these adult children will utilize emotional manipulation to secure sympathy and pity from others, to obtain support that subconsciously will reinforce their conviction that they are perfectly content, their life is essentially the life they want, and that everyone is out to get them or deprive them of happiness.

This is also evident in the relationships that the adult child enters into. While the adult child will be absolutely convinced that they are in “love” with someone they’ve managed to attract through sympathy, pity, or emotional manipulation, an objective assessment will confirm that what the adult child is calling “love” is actually DEPENDENCY. The adult child is actually dependent upon the other person in the relationship for support, affirmation, and the other person will invariably assure the adult child that they’re right about their skewed world-view in order to secure their own needs’ fulfillment.

This co-dependent situation persists until either the other person in the relationship realizes that the adult child needs more than can be given (and this need will increase exponentially as the relationship continues), or the adult child fails to secure what they crave from the relationship.

Relationships such as these tend to be short-lived, and each relationship that ends before the adult child is ready for it to end will lead the adult child into depression and frustration as they try to understand what it is that they are doing wrong–without realizing or acknowledging the reality behind said failed relationships. This depression and frustration will end, however, once the adult child as secured another symbiotic relationship–and so the cycle continues.

It is a sad fact of truth that adult children who live their lives like this rarely come around in their lives to realize just far off-course they are. In some cases when the adult child finally does come around, years and even decades can have passed them by and they suddenly realize that they’ve managed to alienate everyone that had ever been close to them–even parents and siblings. They find themselves alone, embittered, angry (at everyone else except themselves), and resentful–yet at the same time trying to recapture a time that has long since passed them by when things were simpler in their life, when they had people around them that truly loved and cared for them… people who had no choice but to let the adult child HAVE their Choice, to live the life that THEY wanted–even though it meant that there would be no room for them in that adult child’s life.

But in the end, it was all about Choice.